Only in America, and Proverbs to Keep You Going

A friend regularly sends me jokes. Today he sent two that are well worth posting. Gotta lol sometime. (HT/YK)

Only in America:

Only in America

Proverbs to Keep You Going:

1. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
2. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have..
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
12. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
13. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
14. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
16. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the f*ck happened?’
17. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
18. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
19. Why do drive-in ATMs have braille?
20. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

7 Responses to Only in America, and Proverbs to Keep You Going

  1. Rich Rostrom says:

    What’s really funny is that picture is from Balducci’s Deli in Greenwich Village.

  2. E.G. says:

    -You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can’t make him think.

    -And on the eighth day God said, “O.K. Murphy. You take over.”

    -Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

    -It’s God’s responsibilty to forgive Bin Laden.
    It’s OUR responsibilty to arrange the meeting.

    -If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.

  3. Lorenz Gude says:

    Hey, maybe its ‘turkey ham’.

  4. Cynic says:

    Lorenz Gude,

    Don’t know if you are aware of this but in Israel one can buy a sort of ham made from Turkey at the Cold Cuts counter. They call it Shenkin(Ham) Hodu(Turkey).

  5. E.G. says:

    Turkey is an Israeli ally.
    Won’t find ham there, though.

    Any Balducci beheading posters yet?

  6. Dag says:

    A few decades ago, roughly, a psychologist published a paper on “Humour as a Neurotic Response to Stress.”

    I’m not sure to this day if that essay was meant to be sly humour. I think not. More’s the joke.

  7. Phil says:

    “6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.”

    You might like this one, Richard:

    “He whose laughs last, laughs best.”

    No, I believe you /haven’t/ seen that one before.

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